I started writing these to help myself break patterns that were in the way of my being able to live my life fully, the way I want. I’m not fantasizing that I can sail through the next 20 or so years without challenges or difficulties. I actually welcome those, as they keep me growing.
I just don’t want to be the major obstacle in my life!
Creating the first 6 Steps enabled me to look at the habits of thinking that were keeping me stuck, sort of in a revolving door of experiences. The first thing I had to do was allow myself to feel the shame of not having moved beyond them sooner. I credit people like Brené Brown and Oprah Winfrey, and the ever growing number of women in the #MeToo movement for helping all of us look at our lives more objectively. Realize that we are all vulnerable to our childhood patterns, the social mores we were raised by, the institutionalized standards that we were taught to believe in.
Breaking out of those, freeing ourselves from societal expectations takes courage, and the first thrust usually includes anger at what got us there in the first place. I’m not speaking against anger. I think it fuels our fire, helps us step up and step out. A necessary phase of growth and change.
So I spent some energy venting my anger and frustration at family, educational institutions, political systems, business associates, all those elements that seemed to thwart my ability to feel whole and worth while. It is similar to what I learned 25 years ago with a bio-energetic therapist who taught me to raise my fists and beat the bed to release pent up anger and frustration. Very helpful! It cleared the energy so I could think straight.
In the years following that therapeutic experience I fervently studied with various teachers to help me find answers, find peace in my heart. Each one of those phases of learning led me to understand and develop ways to utilize the next 5 Steps, become more adept at making my life work for me. Those Steps continue to lead me back to one basic principle, the one that I use to continue to guide me through whatever uncomfortable, unpleasant or devastating opportunities for growth show up:
Step 12: Live a life of gratitude
I hear a lot about the concept of gratitude. Most people find it easy to be grateful for the things they really want or like in their lives. But what about the things we don’t like?
So here is a short cut to some of what I’ve learned to be grateful for:
- I’m glad my parents didn’t coddle or over-nurture me. They were great at providing food, clothing and shelter — not so great at helping me or my sisters feel good about ourselves. Since we are all in our late 60s/early 70s this isn’t surprising. Back then children truly were to be seen and not heard. We learned a lot about life from them, we just had to figure out what it all meant pretty much on our own. Not feeling so connected to them or my sisters led me early on to create what has become my family of choice, which is a bigger blessing than I can easily describe.
- This has freed me up to spend my energy where it really matters to me. I love that!
- I am deeply grateful that the 3 men I married and divorced by the time I was 42 taught me that I am much happier and fulfilled living a life that works for me than if I were putting up with behavior and mindsets that are contrary to my inner sense of myself. I do not wish them ill, however, I have no need to revisit the past with them, think through why it didn’t work, etc. I am free to make my own choices! Marriage just isn’t my calling in this lifetime. I am thrilled for those who have found a deep connection with someone, whether married or not, and I am great with knowing I may live out my later years on my own. I did work out the whys many years ago, which is probably why I now feel so liberated. I love being my own person!
- I am also deeply grateful for the difficult, somewhat clueless men I had to work with for the 29 years of my Miller & Associates life. I did make some great friends of some of the men in my industry, especially the ones who worked for me. But there were some real doozies out there who 1) didn’t think women belonged in the commercial food service equipment industry, 2) were more interested in their egos than doing the right thing, 3) that practiced the art of one-up-man-ship to perfection, 4) that felt threatened, perhaps, or just really angry that I was able to make a success of our business, and 5) enjoyed thwarting me just for the fun of it.
- Instead of giving those guys the satisfaction of “winning,” we just kept on going and with the support and drive of some amazing employees, created a very successful business that is still going strong 12 years after I sold it to two of my sales guys. They honored what we had built together by keeping most systems in place and I am very proud to say they expanded and improved on it exponentially. That experience brings me so much joy!
- I have a depth of gratitude for the people that have moved on into directions that don’t include me. Instead of feeling discounted or discarded, I’ve learned that when people self-select out of my life it is a gesture of authenticity, which I very much appreciate! We are all free to connect with the people and groups we resonate with, enabling us to be far more purposeful and productive!
This is how I turn lead into gold.
I mentioned earlier that I believe we are here to love ourselves, each other and our lives, master the business of life and turn our lead into gold.
Being grateful is how I do it. And I have been blessed to work with so many people through the years who have walked that path with me. They have been willing to look at their difficulties, sometimes devastating challenges, and find the blessing hidden in them. It doesn’t mean they didn’t feel hurt, but it does give them a way to free themselves from living in the pain and moving into the light. If we learn to love the thing we resent, hate, detest, fear, want to get away from, because we see that it has an equal amount of benefit for us, then we are free to move forward and keep learning and growing. When we are stuck in the pain, we are thwarting ourselves, sort of going around in circles, getting nowhere fast.
Margery’s Principle
This is how I created my guiding principle in life:
Gratitude, appreciation and self-discipline are the keys to freedom.
Gratitude for what is as it is.
Appreciation which enhances that gratitude and includes all the individuals and elements in the universe that brought forth that for which I am grateful.
Self-discipline: I pay attention to what goes in my mind and out my mind; in my ears and out my mouth.
When I activate that principle, I find it much easier to pull myself together, keep growing and changing, and enjoy the journey that is my life.