As we continue our Track meetings, I am struck by the difference it makes when women give each other feedback.  First, it helps dispel the notion that we are the only ones with a problem like this.   And once we speak about it out loud, we can see it from a different perspective.

Women isolate themselves from each other.  Some of it is based on shame–that others will discover just how inept we are.  And from that shame comes fear of failure, lack of confidence, embarrassment that somehow we ought to know the answers, but we don’t.

Last night at our Growth Track meeting,we talked about how men may not know answers, but they act like they do.  And many times women actually know answers, but they are reticent to speak up, fearful of being wrong, being criticized, being ostracized.

I think the isolating is a form of protection.  Sure, some women really do prefer to keep their own counsel, are more introverted than most, and do much better by themselves.  I don’t think that is the majority.  Most women crave connection, different forms of companionship, ways to learn and grow that aren’t threatening.

We are coming from generations of being told that our ideas don’t matter.  That we are too much, or too little, or just not enough.  But according to whose standards?  Are we still looking to men to define those standards?  To be the judges of us?

I coach both men and women, and the men who come see me have just as many concerns, questions and fears as the women.  They express them differently, and have different ways that are comfortable to work on them, but it doesn’t mean they don’t have them.

Amy asked a really great question last night:  Why do we have to play the game like men to get ahead?  Why can’t we create a new game for all of us.

She was spot on.  We were talking about the book by Gail Evans, Play Like a Man, Win Like a Woman:  What Men Know About Success that Women Need to Learn (2001).  It is a great guide to helping women understand how men think and why they act like they do in the business world.  I don’t think her purpose was for us to be like men, I think it was for us to learn to play the game when we need to without giving up our integrity.  Just learn some of the rules of a game we didn’t invent.

And from what Amy asked last night, I think the follow up to being able to play the game is to reinvent it as we go along.  Not trying to change the system all at once, but learning what we can do to improve things for ourselves and others–learn as much as there is to learn, then move on to something that works better for us.  Which is why so many women have the urge to own their own businesses!

One business I owned for 29 years was a manufacturers’ rep agency which was always caught in the middle between the factory and the customers.  It could be a really tight squeeze.  So even though I ran my business they way I wanted, I still had to deal with the very male dominated politics of my factory bosses (who could fire us with 30 days notice and hire another rep group) and my customers, who ranged from end users to dealers and consultants–each with their own agendas.

Owning your own business is a way to create your own game, but you still have the rest of the world to deal with.  So if you don’t learn their values, their rules, their agendas, you will be lost when caught in any sort of conflict.  And not very likely to get what you want out of the relationship.

So, back to women isolating themselves:  understanding the game we’re in really helps allay our fears and also can curb our shame.  Then we don’t need to protect ourselves in unhealthy ways, we can be more open and bring our valuable ideas and contributions forward.

Many older women have learned these lessons the hard way, with years of struggle.  I love it when more seasoned women are in the room with younger women and they can pass on that wisdom in a warm, comforting way.  And they can learn from and be inspired by the eagerness to grow and willingness to challenge old patterns of the younger women.

To me, that is part of what makes a Great Girls Network.  Women being great in the presence of other women and all of us benefiting from it.

Love that!

Margery Miller